Fail Food


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colorful pieces of sliced bread

This should not even be considered food.

I can’t give you an alternative to the name of  “food”, but rest assured, this is not food. This is something that is in the shape of a loaf of sliced bread, but has enough fake dyes in it to color the roots of your hair if you dare ingest it.

The dyes would seep through your digestive system and end up in your hair, like arsenic.

What am I doing with this in my house, you ask?

One word:  Grandparents.

I see all you sage, wise parents nodding your heads and murmuring in agreement. Only a grandparent would bring this into the house. To feed to your children.

Have I mentioned yet that it is not food?

It won’t toast.

Look what happens when it toasts. The dyes burn. Burn baby, burn. How can that be good for anyone?

close up of burned colorful slice bread

And here is where I fail as a parent. I was put on this earth to protect my children. To stop them from eating things that are toxic or can hurt them.

So when my son begged me to make him a sandwich to take to school to show the kids, what else could I do, other than make it?

Come on. You KNOW he was the coolest kid in the lunchroom Monday morning.

He may have dyes seeping out of his pores, but he was cool.

I just about threw up thinking about putting the usual pumpkin seed butter on this (protein in a nut-free world, baby) so cheese it was.

colorful slice bread with cheese on top

How about a close-up of the awesomeness of this sandwich.

Is is too teen-ish to say “barf” at this point? Because really, that is what came to my mind.

close up of the colorful sandwich

And so, my son went to school. And ate it.

colorful sandwich inside a resealable plastic

****rest assured the remainder of that loaf was thrown out, never to be seen again. I really hope they threw it in the landfill because that won’t decompose on any compost this earth has known.****

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Karlynn Johnston

I’m a busy mom of two, wife & cookbook author who loves creating fast, fresh meals for my little family on the Canadian prairies. Karlynn Facts: I'm allergic to broccoli. I've never met a cocktail that I didn't like. I would rather burn down my house than clean it. Most of all, I love helping YOU get dinner ready because there's nothing more important than connecting with our loved ones around the dinner table!

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  1. Frimmy says

    Feed me pb & extra chemicals on my rainbow barf bread anyday! I’m sure it would build an immunity to something…

  2. Arachne says

    Ha ha ha! That looks like the cupcakes we made for Jr’s birthday last year.

    If it helps, I used gel dyes, so it was actually only a tiny amount of dye to create such vibrant colours. BECAUSE OF THE EXTRA CHEMICALS!

  3. cindy says

    I totally saw that stuff at CO-OP yesterday. I was mortified!

  4. Cymantha says

    LOL!! That is so funny! My mom and dad bought this same bread as well thinking my kids would love it!!!

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